Monday, July 29, 2013

I can do this + New York City (USA + United States Of America picture diary + Niagara Falls)

Hi guys, I am proud to say that I have not dropped a single tear today. (Typed it at 12 pm, but now is 6 pm & i broke down twice, an improvement.)  I am going to be strong, and better than ever. The pic I've posted is before I met him. Look at the smile, I tell myself, if I can be that happy and living before meeting him, why can't I be now? It's just a psychological thing. I am going back to the happy go lucky girl I used to be. Where I have no idea on whats love, and little squabbles with my friends occasionally. Yes, I have not dated before. The last time when I probably felt like this was back in secondary 4, which made me really felt like killing myself, and then my studies were bad, for a student in a special stream, my o levels results were definitely a disappointment. Just saying, cause i actually don't regret whatever I did to be in this situation, this lifestyle I lead now. That time I took one year, to move on, for a 16 year old girl. Now i'm 19. I am going to give myself 5 days.

This part is probably to the people who really cared about me. I have to buck up and be strong for them. I'm 19. All I do is run into people's arms.

(2011, Niagara Falls, USA, when I haven't started to blog yet, most of the pics are up on my facebook, very very old albums, at the end of this post i'll probably post a few)

-My parents, who I always took them for granted, but at the end of the day, they are still the ppl i should trust the most, and I feel so guilty cause my dad is probably getting a new phone for me after school later, so I should really be a better daughter.. And no make y'all worry all the time, finding me asleep on the floor still in my makeup, drunk, after clubs, especially on Friday made my mom cry when I just fell asleep after cutting myself and then lying on the floor. I'm so sorry for that. That sight I gave.

(bangs period)

-Thanks twin, zhiyan Tay, for always chasing and looking after me, hugging me when I was crying n screaming in the cab and being such a lousy twin, always picking up the pieces for me, even though I'm like older than u but u treat me like a younger sister, and I still can say stuff like DON'T TREAT ME LIKE A KID. To u when ya in fact I am.

-Thanks clique, Weishan, Regina, Tessa, wenmin, Tricia. Been there for me, watched me grow since secondary school, watched me go on my vicious clubbing cycles. Guess I will now just go back in the stage where I am happy but envious of the relationships you all have, treasure them. I guess y'all still have to find me a dating agency by the time I am 20 and still single forever. I shall still enjoy every valentine days where I help you all de bf choose y'all de presents with my sucky taste and still feel like SIAN I WANT A BF. but now I really don't want cause I'm too kiddy and young for it, hahaha. 

Thanks regina for watching me the past two days working tgt, watching me smile, go crazy, then sob, then all my drama. And wenmin, fetching me after work and treating me macaroons being such a great bestie. Tessa, whom I just saw and wanted to give me ur half eaten (HAHA) oreo cheesecake w jeremy. And weishan whom is going to be there for me this few days heh. And crazy trishy who give great, bitchy, advices hahaha. 

-Thanks Jon and jj my best bros who always got my back and listening to me repeating my long grandmother stories again and again on the phone and again and again and crying and then sending y'all my sad face LOL I guess I'm going to bug y'all more now since I am like very free, and I don't really wanna study for my upcoming exams. Hahaha jk. Idk why you guys are still single when y'all are like so fucking perfect in my eyes.

Jessica, who talked to me on the phone and everything, I am finally out of the cycle.
Ben, who I finally heard some proper advices coming out from his mouth.

and so many more others who made the effort to try and call me and find me be it dm/fb cause I have no phone. Thanks tim, xinyu, felicia, russel, sean, nat, zhenyuan, sebest, ky, tanying, people i dont really know, or my past pals, or anonymous-es. Thanks. I really appreciate this so so much.

I am going to be brave for these people. 
I wont be sad about someone I begged for to meet me who I really need at that point of time but went clubbing instead. For someone who cannot commit anymore, it showed that I'm just something that couldn't even be showed even some pity or worth his time when I tried. Time, fun, balance, just shows the extend of how much he liked me, its not enough to be compared to these. He is just Someone who used to ensure and talk to me even when he was having fun outside. The change is what I couldn't accept & handle I guess. Someone who I tried my best to show that i'm okay and happy at the really last point, cause I felt that I couldn't lose him, when in fact I was crying myself to sleep that morning waiting for his replies. Someone who used to care for me, but has not cared nor said a single word about my injuries. Nothing left after that night. Even his friends bothered to text to ask if I was okay the next day. I think I was just a challenge, you know, why did you shower me with so much compassion and kindness and love when this is what you wanted at the end of the day. Why did you make me fall in love with you when I'm a person so full of doubts. You know I am never going to try to like someone again, i can't bare to, i have been scarred. I am not going to want to know new guys cause i think it all have to start from scratch when we I gave my last desperate attempt trying to save this. I'll club lesser, started clubbing viciously when i just childishly wanted to spy on you and then I got addicted n liked to club. im a mess.. Why did you make me feel so happy bringing me out on dates, meeting me and caring for me and now just choose this for us. Am I just that not worthy of your time anymore, even as friends, I think you would show more concern to your friends, cause I saw how much you liked to help your friends out and good things, how much you love your younger sister and more.
Its okay. I am going to get over these. Not think, everything is just psychological. We are friends. I hope we can be. I hope you are not offended by this. Next time when everything is over and okay, we can be there for each other still, as friends. Because all the time I have spent getting to know you I still will care for you as a friend.

PS. This is just how I am feeling now and my side of the story. I am frank. I am not trying to gain peoples pity or anything because even though things got into this stage now, I still have a part to play in this. Perhaps I took him for granted. Caused him to be tired. Not everyone can tolerate my temper for long. Well, he did, he tolerated my attitudes, my drama and all the nonsense I gave him. Times where I as well, made him feel bad. Harping on things over and over again as a girl's trait I had. People's natural instinct is to want to feel good about oneself. I don't think I made him feel as good about himself even though guys has their egos. And he actually stayed this long. Long for me to like him, I wont fall in love with a bad guy. We are just two different people whose character could not match. My childish acts put him out. Could not work things out. One day I will read this and it will be just a memory, hopefully pleasant. I wont read this and feel all this bad emotions I am feeling now, because you once made me feel good as well, you once prioritized me.

A great picture advice I got from twin's RT.

Followed by some pictures of my past vacation with my parents at New York. 
I wanna go back there someday. 
Earn enough money & bring my parents back there. My camera skills and things I chose to take picture obviously sucked back then, so just uploading a few. 
PS please don't judge cause I look more fatty last time haha but I miss my perfectly innocent less complicated heart, smile and obviously missed complexion.

Times square in Midtown Manhattan, a major commerical intersection and the most bustling square of new york known for its many Broadway theatres, cinemas and electronic billboards.

large departmental botiques

just the normal hotels were very expensive already.

did loads of shopping major brands were cheaper there!

wall street.

I look so awkward last time, even my mom is more photogenic than me

like in american dramas HOTDOGS

bridge linking upper east side to brooklyn~ Gossip girls hehe

yes and the iconic statue of liberty.

took the subway, supa confusinggg

porsche is much cheaper there too, sigh singapore and the taxes.

Niagara falls, the most beautiful sight i saw in my life. Seriously, a must go. Meh with the blur pictures.
Niagara Falls At Night

Niagara falls in the day

the food were all damn good there, ate super loads of FAST FATTY FOODS. All in uber big portions no wonder america has the highest obesity rates :x and even a random shop food in china town were so awesome too... drools. But i wasn't that into foodporn yet so Just a photo~ and do visit some Korean street (forget what was the area called in manhattan) cause you can see so many good looking Koreans there and the lifestyle and many Korean BBQ shops which was Yumz.


outlet area in america with all the branded or brands

Shall end off this post with a smile of my spongebob square pants Popsicle I obtained at the streets of NYC.
Be strong Eugenia. I can do this. 

I shall listen and sing to music which was once my passion and feel better. Songs are always quite influential to my emotions. If I listen to a playlist full of depressing songs I will tear in the subways. So now less party songs I have been addicted to for the past months. More of songs like
No boundaries - Adam lambert

Seconds, hours, so many days, you know what you want but how long can you wait.
Every moment last forever, when you've feel like you lost your way.
What if my chances were already gone.
I started believing that I could be wrong.
But you gave me one good reason, to fight and never walk away.

So here I am still holding on.
With Every step You climb another mountain.
Just when you almost gave up all your dreams.
With every breath it's harder to believe.
You'll make it through the pain
Weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing
Just when you think the road is going no where
Just when you almost gave up all your dreams
They Take you by the hand, show you that you can.
There are no boundaries.

1 comment:

  1. Loved the details out everything so well.Very well written.I am visiting USA next month and have taken a lot of info from your post.Thanks a ton and keep up the good work!